Criminal behaviour has raised its ugly head in New Zealand again this week.
Geordie, a beloved old goat who quietly munches on grass on the outskirts of New Plymouth, was spray-painted by … well, morons.
On one side of Geordie’s flanks the letters “FTP” now appear in bright orange. When I first saw this I thought: “Wow, internet geeks are getting serious. They’re promoting File Transfer Protocols through guerrilla tactics.”
But this was not a real-world attack by hackers. No, apparently, this was an anti-police slogan meaning Fuck The Pigs.
Did your mind just jump where mine did? If you want to write “Fuck The Pigs” then why the fuck do you do it on a goat? Did you fail animal identification 101? Did duck goes quack, sheep goes baa, cow goes moo, and pig goes oink confuse you?
I can picture the scene:
“Is that a pig?”
“I dunno. I think so.”
“Wait, aren’t pigs supposed to be pink or something?”
“Pink? Are you gay or something? What animals are pink?”
“Shut up. OK, now, `fuck the pigs’… how do you spell `fuck’?”
“No, it’s F-U-K isn’t it?”
“That doesn’t sound right. Isn't it meant to be a four-letter word?”
“Well FUK has four letters, doesn't it?”
“Look just put FTP.”
“Yeah, everyone will know what it means.”
And how did they expect this sort of act to help their cause? If they wanted to make a statement, paint it on the side of a police patrol car, not the side of an innocent 20-year-old goat. All the people of New Plymouth now want more pigs in town to tackle illiterate morons with spray cans.
I’d actually love to find out who did it. Because then I’d go out to buy my own can of spray paint, and little Bertie Brown would wake up one morning with the words “Once Fucked A Goat” painted across his face.