Ashton – Please Stop The Bloodshed

One of the interesting phenomena I’ve encountered on Twitter is the whole celebrity thing.

Celebrities sign up to Twitter, allegedly, to “get close to the fans”. And some celebrities are really into the whole Twitter thing. They will tweet quite a lot throughout the day.

Now I do appreciate that they have a lot of followers and will often have hundreds of responses to each tweet. But the ultimate effect is that most of their followers are left with the distinct impression they are being ignored.

I’ve devised various tactics for generating a response from the celebs, with minimal success. A weak joke about paparazzi prompted Lindsay Lohan to tell me to fuck off and die.

Kirsty Alley responded to a tweet gently complaining about her typing in caps all the time by claiming it was a sign of intelligence. I unfollowed her, stating at the time that she seemed to be the only celebrity using Twitter to become less popular with fans.

My latest attempt to provoke a response was to tell Ashton Kutcher that he was the only person now capable of stopping the civil war in New Zealand.

He ignored me.

Now the New Zealand Civil War doesn’t get a lot of publicity. In fact, hardly anybody knows about it. That’s because it’s being bitterly waged in the hearts and minds of… well… me.

Yet, according to Statistics New Zealand, 80 people a day are dying in New Zealand. And because it’s a civil war, these people can be claimed as casualties of war. That’s closing in on 600 people a week; or over 2200 a month – 29,000 a year.

And all Ashton Kutcher has to do is tweet that the New Zealand civil war is over and the bloodshed can stop. A truce will be declared and my multiple personalities can go back to living in peace.

Eighty people a day is an awful karmic burden to bear, Mr Kutcher, sir. I urge you end the conflict now.

Peace.