Pedestrians – why can't I run them over?

I’ve looked, I swear to god I’ve looked, but I cannot find that bastard anywhere.

I’m talking, of course, about the big sign that's on the front bumper of my car. The one that says: “Pedestrians, please cross in front of this car, you’re perfectly safe”. I know it's there because, whenever I’m in a queue of traffic, there’s a whole line of pedestrians who cross the road directly in front of my car.

It’s not even as if it’s a small car. Gullible me – last year, when petrol prices were surging over $2 a litre, a family member conned me into selling my 1600cc Toyota Corolla and buying a three-litre straight six Lexus Soarer. Bloody nice car, grunty as hell, can’t afford to drive it faster than an intoxicated snail because it sucks more juice than a dehydrated Sherman tank.

The steering is just a little wonky and the brakes are a little soft. Yet people still seem quite comfortable crossing in front of me when I’m stopped in a queue at the lights. AT THE LIGHTS! They should be down there at the bloody button, waiting for the little red man to turn green; they shouldn’t be wandering up the street five metres just so they can cross in front of my car.

Last week I was driving up Willis St in Wellington. It was pushing rush hour, but this one stretch of road was oddly quiet. I floored it a bit to try to make the lights. And when I say “floored it” I mean I was pushing 40k’s here. This dude with a briefcase just wanders out in front of me. I jam on the breaks and hit the horn. The arrogant bastard didn’t even freaking look at me!

Which led me to later tweet the question: When is it OK to run someone over? Surely, based on Darwin’s survival of the fittest, this guy deserved to die. Why can’t you use Darwin as a defence in court?

I guess the problem is that I know the law in this situation. Unless the pedestrian has “set a trap” for the motorist, the motorist will always be held accountable. Which sucks. The law should state that anyone not fast enough to get out of the way, or who doesn’t know what the diamond at a pedestrian crossing means, should be run over as a matter of course.

And I’m just the one to do it.