I must be cool – they bleeped me

Well that just ___ing ___sses me off.

As a journalist I’m a user and defender of the English language (all examples to the contrary). But I do seriously object to its abuses.

Look, I can put up with people’s misspellings, the misplaced apostrophes, and hell, even the textifying of the language. But what I hate more than people being “offended” at swear words is those who manipulate this offence to make their non-swearing look cooler.

Now, before I go further, I want to say that I have no objection to swearing. I don’t swear a lot myself; and when I do it’s usually ABOUT something rather than AT something. I think that’s a big factor in the offence stakes.

What amuses me is that America – producer of 90 per cent of the internet’s pornography, where on average 81 people a day die from gunfire – considers itself the great upholder of language morals.

These days they will bleep out anything. Hell, you can’t even say “asses” on American TV without it being bleeped out.

But what is worse is the bleeping out of perfectly non-offensive words, so that it seems as if the person swore; thus making them seem cooler in the eyes (and ears) of the audience.

The most blatant example of this is a promo ad for Discovery Channel show Mythbusters. It features a line from presenter Jamie Hyneman where he says: “I love it when we blow s(bleep) up.”

Now you’d think they were bleeping out the word “shit”. Because some people still find any reference to bowel movements offensive (instead of just, maybe, inappropriate).

Yet they leave in just enough of the word so that if you’re listening carefully you’ll hear not the word “s(bleep)t” but “s(bleep)f”. Meaning he’s said: “I love it when we blow stuff up”, and they’ve bleeped out the word “stuff”. Just so that he sounds cooler.

How fucked up is that?

Of course rappers have been doing it for years. And I laughed out loud the first time I heard Fall Out Boy singing: “this ain’t a scene it’s a god (blank) arms race”. They’ve bleeped out “damned”? Should they maybe have said "gosh darned"? Take us all back to the 1950s?

Now, you show me the modern six-year-old who has never in his or her life heard the word “fuck” and I’ll completely back down. But personally, I think we have bigger things in this world to worry about than being offended by swear words; which, like it or not, are a legitimate part of our language.

Although, I stress here, swearing should always be ABOUT stuff, not AT stuff – particularly people. That is the line of offensiveness I don’t think you should cross. Though it’s a bit of a lame arse one anyway; I mean, if you want to insult someone verbally, use your imagination and come up with something that doesn’t need swear words. Swear words in an insult are cheap and lower the user in the eyes of the linguist.

Anyway, I’ve rambled enough. I’ll leave the last word to those heroes of New Zealand folk music; Flight of the Conchords, who recognised the stupidity of it all years ago.