Questioning the Laws of Zombieism

Honestly, I don’t have an obsession with zombies. There are just some things about them that kind of fascinate me.

I was watching Resident Evil: Extinction on the movie channel this morning before work. I’ve seen it before so I wasn’t so much following the story as wondering about a few strange things in this particular zombieverse.

I understand it’s the third in the Resident Evil trilogy and I haven’t actually seen any of its predecessors. But it seems that there’s a virus floating about that turns people into zombies and an evil corporation and Ali Larter wandering around as a superhot psychic kung fu and weapons expert who kills zombies with the same efficiency that a nuclear explosion kills moths.

I don’t know how long ago the outbreak of zombieism began in this story, but in this film somebody said six months. There’s a convoy of survivors in trucks, driving around trying to stay out of the zombies’ way.

Now these are some impressive zombies. For a start, the moment they became zombies they all put on trousers and grey, green or black clothes. There wasn’t a single zombie out there wearing a bright red Jean-Paul Gaultier dress or carrying a Prada handbag. Not even a yellow t-shirt.

Nearly as amazing were the survivors. They’ve been driving around a desert for six months and all the women still have perfect hair and makeup. Nobody’s going: “Shit, we’ve been out here for months, there’re no baths or showers around and we’re all rank.”

In the film a few people get bitten by zombies and a few more get eaten by zombies – who haven’t had a decent meal in forever so they're rather enthusiastic. Yet they’re still on their feet, staggering about. They all move at two speeds: Full and shamble.

The people who get bitten all slowly turn into zombies. Yet during the metamorphosis the other zombies still try to kill them. And I started to wonder; at what point do the other zombies just go: “Oh, he’s one of us now, we should back off.”?

And what do the zombies hope to achieve when they reach the changing victim? I mean, the bitten person is already zombifying. Do the zombies want to taste the last vestiges of the person's humanity?

Picture this: You’re a zombie and you’ve attacked a person and you’re gnawing on their leg. Suddenly their zombification is complete and you notice the flesh has kind of gone stale. Yuck. Now do you apologise to your new zombie colleague for chewing on them? Do shrug and give them a light-hearted “arrrrgggh”? Is this the sort of thing that happens all the time on zombie sitcoms?

I think, if it was me, I’d just give an embarrassing smile and say: “Y’know, I think you’d look just great with a red dress and a Prada handbag.”