`I'll be back... again and again and again.'

You can’t terminate a good franchise.

When James Cameron had that famous fevered dream about a robot that had been sent from the future to kill him, don’t you just wish that he’d taken an aspirin and gone back to sleep?

Granted, Terminator was a great film. And Terminator 2: Judgement Day was equally good. But by the time T2 came up, movie producers were blinded by the dollar signs Arnie and co were producing.

There’s a key fact from the first Terminator film – the robots were losing the war. The humans were closing in and there was only just enough time for Skynet to send a single Terminator back in time to kill John Connor’s mother.

Since then, Terminators have been sent back in time at an alarming rate. It’s like they’re lining up to be sent back. And they’ve all FAILED! What is their programming language like?

10 Kill local and steal clothes
20 Track down primary target
30 Kill anyone who gets in your way
40 Let primary target escape in spectacular fashion at least once
50 Shoot people and blow shit up
60 Get destroyed in idiotic but impressive way
70 Go to 10

Does Skynet not think: Shit, maybe I should just send two Terminators back to the period of the first film? That way Sarah Connor could be killed off and we’ll end this sick fucking franchise before it gets going?

And, because it’s Skynet, a computer rather than a person, it won’t give a damn about how much money is not being made off the deal.

North Korea – nuclear armed nutters.

Now nuclear warfare has always had its share of nutters. Right from day one. Apparently the scientists who detonated the first nuclear warhead believed there was a 25 per cent chance it would ignite the atmosphere and basically turn the Earth into a mini sun. That's a one-in-four chance. But they went ahead with it anyway.

Development of the atom bomb by America was helped by Britain and France on condition the Americans share the technology. Seriously, give the bomb to France? The nutter factor in action again. The French then proceeded to blow up half the fucking south Pacific just to prove the bomb worked.

"Mon dieu! Does this thing still work? [BOOM!] Oui! It does! How about now? [LE BOOM!] Oui, it still works. What about now? etc"

Russia stole the German scientists working on the Nazi bomb and developed the technology themselves. And China just up and stole everything, which the allies couldn't get really upset about because, well, once a country goes nuclear, you have to treat them nice. Because one nuclear bomb in the wrong place can create a rather big mess. And, as already stated, there's always nutters in control. Which is just the factor North Korea counts on.

The world's nuclear arsenal is now so big and in the hands of so many nutters that it's truly amazing we've gone 60 years without someone "accidentally" blowing up some tourist hotspot somewhere.

"The names that will go down in history; Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Cancun..."

India and Pakistan are both nuclear powers. Thankfully they seem to prefer blowing each other up on a face-to-face basis (and I think there's a lot of UN and US bribery and threatening going on behind the scenes just to keep the nuclear warheads off the table).

I honestly believe George W Bush stopped short of starting a nuclear war only because he couldn't actually find the right button. "Dick, it says nuclear holocaust on the button, but all I ever get is a pepperoni pizza delivered."

Now North Korea is a nuclear power. Unfortunately, these guys are unhinged at the best of times. They'll send a nuclear warhead into America with the view that it will deter the United States from taking any further action against them. Their whole basis of developing the bomb seems to be: "We need it for protection from the United States and other foreign aggressors who so blatantly haven't attacked us since the Communist uprisings of the late 1940s."

Um, yes, and when was the last time North Korea was invaded? Well, there's only South Korea, the United States and China who could now pose any threat to them. South Korea being on the other side of about 30 trillion anti-tank and anti-personnel mines, and China being North Korea's only real ally. The United States really just can't be bothered. I mean, why attack North Korea? It would be like a heavily armed Sumo wrestler attacking a kindergarten class. Besides the US is already too busy cleaning up its messes in Iraq and Afghanistan.

But this latest North Korean detonation has even pissed China off. I rather suspect Kim Jong Il will be called on by members of the Chinese military who will utter the Chinese phrase equivalent of: "Pull your head in, Noddy."

I suspect Mr Kim is just pissed off that South Park keep hassling him. But it's so hard not to make fun of him. He's a complete loon, just like his dad. The problem is that now he's a nuclear armed loon. The latest in a long line of nutters with a nuclear bomb, just looking for an excuse to set it off.

Let's take another look at the Doomsday Clock, shall we?

Why I hate commercial radio but love The Edge

My car stereo died.

I can’t afford to replace it right now, so have to make do with what I’ve got. What I’ve got is a CD player that no longer accepts CDs, a radio set to Japanese frequencies and a tape deck.

I don’t know if the tape deck works … I haven’t owned a tape in about 10 years.

Fortunately, my radio does just manage to pick up one station – Classic Hits 90FM. So I listen to that on my drive home, and each day pull into the car port saying a silent prayer of thanks to the best radio station in the world: The Edge.

Classic Hits is a reminder of everything that is wrong with commercial radio.

First and foremost, the commercials. There’s thousands of them, all running back-to-back and only occasionally interrupted by DJs and “classic” hits.

Why did he put the word classic in quote marks, you ask? Well, these are, almost without fault, songs that I hated the first time around. There are current songs I don’t like, mixed with a healthy dose of middle-of-the-road has-beens. I would give examples but I tend to mentally block them out.

Then the DJ has one piece of trivia a day which he/she will tease for hours.

“Which famous rock star loves flashing their breasts? Have a think about it and keep listening. I’ll tell you soon.”

Twenty minutes later: “Do you flash your breasts in public? I know a rock star that does. That’s coming up next.”

Ten minute break for ads. Another tease. Crap pop song that reached Number 31 on the charts on the back of high-rotation airplay in 1981. More ads. Turns out the breast flasher was Meat Loaf.

By this time, of course, I have deliberately crashed my car into a brick wall at high speed just to get some relief from the brain-dead inanity of the radio.

In the mornings I listen to The Edge on my small transistor radio. Now The Edge is pretty close to being the number one rating station (on average) throughout the whole country. It also broadcasts online.

First up, I want to say that I’m not a great fan of the playlist. But it’s a Top 40 station and nobody is ever going to like everything that’s in the Top 40. On the other hand, when they play “classic” hits, they play bands like Pearl Jam and Harvey Danger. Great stuff.

Two minute ad breaks. And not between every single segment. Need I say more?

Interesting gossip or bit coming up? We’ll have that about 7.30 this morning. More Scandal with Jay-Jay Feeney coming up at 10-to-eight. Of course they have teasers, but they tend to tease something like an interview that’s coming up “on Tuesday next week”.

Multiple DJs who totally take the piss; rather than a single DJ battling boredom with his one piece of lame-arse trivia.

The Morning Madhouse; the award winning (and sometimes just nominated) breakfast show.

Dom Harvey – no one person should be this anarchically funny. A ball of blokish attitude with a punchline for every occasion. A man who knows where the line between hilariously funny and inappropriate is (and it’s usually just behind him).

Jay-Jay Feeney – Dom’s long-suffering wife and the voice of reason on the show. She is thankfully out-voted on objection to many of the show’s more outrageous ideas. But even then she ensures everyone is aware of her opinion. An incredible sense of fun tempered by an innate sense of responsibility.

And Mike Puru – the ambiguous one. The straight man … maybe. It’s the eternal question, actually; is he gay or is he straight? I know; but I’m not telling. The funny thing being, though, that it doesn't actually matter. We'd love him either way. Does he really smoke that much weed? Generally he's a good bloke and we're sure he'll worm his way back on TV one day. Once he learns that "b" is not a vowel. Kia-ora, mate.

Later in the day you get Fletch and Vaughan. Twin towers of insanity (who would welcome terrorist attacks).

So, really, I’m just taking this moment to voice my appreciation for The Edge. You keep me sane rather than driving me insane. Thank you.

I must be cool – they bleeped me

Well that just ___ing ___sses me off.

As a journalist I’m a user and defender of the English language (all examples to the contrary). But I do seriously object to its abuses.

Look, I can put up with people’s misspellings, the misplaced apostrophes, and hell, even the textifying of the language. But what I hate more than people being “offended” at swear words is those who manipulate this offence to make their non-swearing look cooler.

Now, before I go further, I want to say that I have no objection to swearing. I don’t swear a lot myself; and when I do it’s usually ABOUT something rather than AT something. I think that’s a big factor in the offence stakes.

What amuses me is that America – producer of 90 per cent of the internet’s pornography, where on average 81 people a day die from gunfire – considers itself the great upholder of language morals.

These days they will bleep out anything. Hell, you can’t even say “asses” on American TV without it being bleeped out.

But what is worse is the bleeping out of perfectly non-offensive words, so that it seems as if the person swore; thus making them seem cooler in the eyes (and ears) of the audience.

The most blatant example of this is a promo ad for Discovery Channel show Mythbusters. It features a line from presenter Jamie Hyneman where he says: “I love it when we blow s(bleep) up.”

Now you’d think they were bleeping out the word “shit”. Because some people still find any reference to bowel movements offensive (instead of just, maybe, inappropriate).

Yet they leave in just enough of the word so that if you’re listening carefully you’ll hear not the word “s(bleep)t” but “s(bleep)f”. Meaning he’s said: “I love it when we blow stuff up”, and they’ve bleeped out the word “stuff”. Just so that he sounds cooler.

How fucked up is that?

Of course rappers have been doing it for years. And I laughed out loud the first time I heard Fall Out Boy singing: “this ain’t a scene it’s a god (blank) arms race”. They’ve bleeped out “damned”? Should they maybe have said "gosh darned"? Take us all back to the 1950s?

Now, you show me the modern six-year-old who has never in his or her life heard the word “fuck” and I’ll completely back down. But personally, I think we have bigger things in this world to worry about than being offended by swear words; which, like it or not, are a legitimate part of our language.

Although, I stress here, swearing should always be ABOUT stuff, not AT stuff – particularly people. That is the line of offensiveness I don’t think you should cross. Though it’s a bit of a lame arse one anyway; I mean, if you want to insult someone verbally, use your imagination and come up with something that doesn’t need swear words. Swear words in an insult are cheap and lower the user in the eyes of the linguist.

Anyway, I’ve rambled enough. I’ll leave the last word to those heroes of New Zealand folk music; Flight of the Conchords, who recognised the stupidity of it all years ago.

Counting the wrinkles

Tomorrow I turn 41. Scary.

Well, not that scary. The older I get the less I feel like it matters how old I’m getting; which for some reason was very important when I was younger.

You try to tell a five-year-old that the difference between five and six doesn’t really matter. Or tell a 14-year-old that anywhere from 15-19 is pretty much all the same – everyone functions in two modes; embarrassed and horny, and sometimes both at once.

In the 20s though you begin to notice that age doesn’t really matter that much. That’s because you’re now old enough to do stuff. Vote, have sex, buy porn, get into pubs, get drunk, drive a vehicle, fly a plane etc. The only thing you’re not old enough to do is get a senior citizen’s card; and you’re alright with that.

Then you hit 30 and think: “Oh fuck. My life is over.” But it’s not. Because really you’re just 25 with some experience and a few decent lessons under your belt. Hell, even if you double your age you’re still only 60, and that’s not even retirement age anymore.

Having said that, a guy I once knew told me that he hit 30 and couldn’t cope. He drank solidly for a month. Every time he sobered up he thought: “Oh God, I’m 30!” and got drunk again. Eventually he got used to the idea; though he was never really happy about it, even as an angry grey-haired man in his 50s.

At 35 you’re starting to admit that your 20s are really in the past. But take heart, you’re not 40 yet!

Then you are. And you wake up and you’re 40 and you think: “Well, I don’t feel any different to how I felt yesterday. I guess 40 can’t be all bad.”

This is how I feel now: a year on from the 40 tragedy – when my presents no longer consisted of bourbon, joke porn and heavy metal, but rather a succession of book vouchers.

I’m 41. Well, no, not till sometime tomorrow. Shit, I’m still 40, which is practically in my 30s, which is near as fuck to 28, right? Tomorrow I suspect I will have only one thing on my mind: Thank God for bourbon.

This post brought to you by...

Sponsorship is an interesting concept.

I remember a former TV presenter once giving a strongly-worded speech condemning the levels of advertising on network television. He made the point that advertising has never improved the quality of anything it has been attached to.

Not that I support that idea; working for a company that lives and dies by its advertising levels. I say advertise away! Please! And newspaper advertising is just so wonderful. It doesn’t interrupt anything, it doesn’t flash at you, and you don’t have to click on it to make it bugger off. It’s just the best advertising ever.

Anyway, it’s interesting how advertising infiltrates so many aspects of day-to-day life. It can be fun spotting the product placement in movies. This has been going on for years; hell, there’s Pepsi product placement in Bette Davis and Joan Crawford’s 1962 classic What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

But that had a lot to do with the back stage feud between the two co-stars.

That said, I became aware today of another insidious little sponsorship deal going on.

In a previous blog I mentioned the rules of cricket and the Indian Premier League Twenty20 competition; primary sponsor DLF – some sort of building company in India, I think.

In cricket when you hit the ball out of the ground on the full you get an automatic six runs. The commentators usually drool at this: “Oh, that’s a lovely shot, and that’s gone for six” or “And that’s six! Over the member’s stand and into the car park” or “A beautiful stroke there and it’s gone 10 rows back for six”.

Except now they all say: “And that’s a DLF maximum!”

Pardon? WTF is a DLF maximum? Well, of course I know, but why are you rebranding the sport with this sort of insidious crap? Where will it all end?

Which got me thinking: where else might you find such future sponsorship?

“…and the ball’s been passed to Ritchie McCaw and he’s over! Oh, that’s a lovely Big Mac five pointer by the All Blacks captain…”

“…that’s a swing and a hit and he’s made it to KFC country chicken first base…”

“…Beckham shoots, it’s a beautiful shot and yes! It’s a Vodafone magic point!”

Pigs in a blanket

Some school kids from New Zealand visited Mexico recently, and brought back a souvenir that kick-started a worldwide media beat-up; namely, the Swine Flu virus.

Now this really is a case of the media following a pattern of: “Panic first, ask questions later”.

TV news channels had reporters standing outside everywhere announcing that nothing was happening yet, but dammit they were ready for when it did.

So, here’s the deal. People have been getting the flu for years. No biggie, right? Stay in bed for a few days, watch the soaps and croak down the phone to your mates. Chicken soup and orange juice topped off with paracetamol.

Except that just after World War I there was an outbreak of Spanish Flu that killed millions. It was the last real global pandemic. The thing about this flu virus was that it didn’t just attack one organ of the body; it went for a full-on systems meltdown. It attacked everything until the whole body shut down.

Well, the Swine Flu is from this same family of viruses. Hence the media frenzy. Although the modern media – watered down by many years of editorial cost-cutting – completely failed to make this point.

That said, there’s Tamiflu for anyone who sneezes and it seems most people’s immune systems are having little problem handling Swine Flu anyway.

But can you say “paranoia”? Egypt promptly decided to kill all its pigs. Afghanistan quarantined the country’s only pig. China quarantined its Mexicans. The Philippines ordered that all sick people stay away from pigs.

Anyway, as long as idiots are busy over-reacting, I feel fully comfortable sharing with you the better Swine Flu jokes I’ve either made up or picked up off Twitter.

- They said pigs would fly before America would elect a black president. Obama’s in office for 100 days … swine flu.

- Swine flu kills 90 people worldwide and people wear face masks in the airport. HIV kills 20 million a year and people still don't wear condoms.

- Breaking news: The Muppets have been released from quarantine. There were fears Miss Piggy had contracted swine flu, but it turned out she just had a frog in her throat.

- So if someone isolated the swine flu virus and combined it with avian flu virus - would you get flying pig flu?

- If you get swine flu, but only a small dose, would it be guinea pig flu?

- Did you know: The Greeks believe the origin of Swine Flu is that one of Odysseus's men whom Circe turned into a pig had a cold.

- I heard Kermit the Frog died from the swine flu. His last words: “That pig told me she was clean!”

- Ah-ah-ah-aah-OINK! … uh-oh.