Sleepyhead thinks you're an idiot

One thing I really hate; I mean I loathe, as in bring on the bamboo shoot manicure despise is advertisers who think you are stupid.

They want you to purchase their product with your hard-earned cash but they also, in their ads, demonstrate that they think you are a moron.

In New Zealand there’s one company that is like fingernails on the blackboard every time I hear their jingle. This is odd, because I have absolutely no problem with the company or their products… just their ads.

The company is Sleepyhead. They make beds.

Their ads all start with a jingle they’ve had for years, where some guy cheerily sings: “Now you don’t buy a bed every day…”

There used to be a whole song, but that’s gone by the way. The announcer then cuts in with the mattress of the week specials etc.

The ads end with the end of the jingle: “…you can sleep on it!”

Brainless condescending bastards they are.

“Now you don’t buy a bed every day.” Think about it. Could there be a more bloody obvious statement?

"OH MY GOD! LOOK! The sky isn't falling!"

Or possibly:

*Yawn* *Stretch* Well, that was a good night’s sleep, I’ll just hit the bed destruction button and Sleepyhead will deliver a new one this afternoon. Not that there’s anything wrong with this one, it was brand new yesterday, but hey, I buy a bed every day.

What a waste. Thank God we have Sleepyhead to prevent such scenarios by warning us not to buy a bed every day, despite it being to their obvious economic advantage. Oh crap, my sarcasm meter just went off the dial.

So we come to the end of the ad: “You can sleep on it!”

WTF? That’s like trying to sell a new car by saying: “You can drive it!”

Here, buy the new Porsche 911 Carrera – it has four wheels, a motor and look, even a steering wheel. The driver sits here, in the driver’s seat, and uses these controls to make the car go brmmmm brrmmmm.

So Sleepyhead – a little heads up (so to speak). The only time I’ll be caught sleeping on one of your mattresses is if your ads give me a brain aneurism and I have no choice.

Why I hate commercial radio but love The Edge

My car stereo died.

I can’t afford to replace it right now, so have to make do with what I’ve got. What I’ve got is a CD player that no longer accepts CDs, a radio set to Japanese frequencies and a tape deck.

I don’t know if the tape deck works … I haven’t owned a tape in about 10 years.

Fortunately, my radio does just manage to pick up one station – Classic Hits 90FM. So I listen to that on my drive home, and each day pull into the car port saying a silent prayer of thanks to the best radio station in the world: The Edge.

Classic Hits is a reminder of everything that is wrong with commercial radio.

First and foremost, the commercials. There’s thousands of them, all running back-to-back and only occasionally interrupted by DJs and “classic” hits.

Why did he put the word classic in quote marks, you ask? Well, these are, almost without fault, songs that I hated the first time around. There are current songs I don’t like, mixed with a healthy dose of middle-of-the-road has-beens. I would give examples but I tend to mentally block them out.

Then the DJ has one piece of trivia a day which he/she will tease for hours.

“Which famous rock star loves flashing their breasts? Have a think about it and keep listening. I’ll tell you soon.”

Twenty minutes later: “Do you flash your breasts in public? I know a rock star that does. That’s coming up next.”

Ten minute break for ads. Another tease. Crap pop song that reached Number 31 on the charts on the back of high-rotation airplay in 1981. More ads. Turns out the breast flasher was Meat Loaf.

By this time, of course, I have deliberately crashed my car into a brick wall at high speed just to get some relief from the brain-dead inanity of the radio.

In the mornings I listen to The Edge on my small transistor radio. Now The Edge is pretty close to being the number one rating station (on average) throughout the whole country. It also broadcasts online.

First up, I want to say that I’m not a great fan of the playlist. But it’s a Top 40 station and nobody is ever going to like everything that’s in the Top 40. On the other hand, when they play “classic” hits, they play bands like Pearl Jam and Harvey Danger. Great stuff.

Two minute ad breaks. And not between every single segment. Need I say more?

Interesting gossip or bit coming up? We’ll have that about 7.30 this morning. More Scandal with Jay-Jay Feeney coming up at 10-to-eight. Of course they have teasers, but they tend to tease something like an interview that’s coming up “on Tuesday next week”.

Multiple DJs who totally take the piss; rather than a single DJ battling boredom with his one piece of lame-arse trivia.

The Morning Madhouse; the award winning (and sometimes just nominated) breakfast show.

Dom Harvey – no one person should be this anarchically funny. A ball of blokish attitude with a punchline for every occasion. A man who knows where the line between hilariously funny and inappropriate is (and it’s usually just behind him).

Jay-Jay Feeney – Dom’s long-suffering wife and the voice of reason on the show. She is thankfully out-voted on objection to many of the show’s more outrageous ideas. But even then she ensures everyone is aware of her opinion. An incredible sense of fun tempered by an innate sense of responsibility.

And Mike Puru – the ambiguous one. The straight man … maybe. It’s the eternal question, actually; is he gay or is he straight? I know; but I’m not telling. The funny thing being, though, that it doesn't actually matter. We'd love him either way. Does he really smoke that much weed? Generally he's a good bloke and we're sure he'll worm his way back on TV one day. Once he learns that "b" is not a vowel. Kia-ora, mate.

Later in the day you get Fletch and Vaughan. Twin towers of insanity (who would welcome terrorist attacks).

So, really, I’m just taking this moment to voice my appreciation for The Edge. You keep me sane rather than driving me insane. Thank you.

This post brought to you by...

Sponsorship is an interesting concept.

I remember a former TV presenter once giving a strongly-worded speech condemning the levels of advertising on network television. He made the point that advertising has never improved the quality of anything it has been attached to.

Not that I support that idea; working for a company that lives and dies by its advertising levels. I say advertise away! Please! And newspaper advertising is just so wonderful. It doesn’t interrupt anything, it doesn’t flash at you, and you don’t have to click on it to make it bugger off. It’s just the best advertising ever.

Anyway, it’s interesting how advertising infiltrates so many aspects of day-to-day life. It can be fun spotting the product placement in movies. This has been going on for years; hell, there’s Pepsi product placement in Bette Davis and Joan Crawford’s 1962 classic What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

But that had a lot to do with the back stage feud between the two co-stars.

That said, I became aware today of another insidious little sponsorship deal going on.

In a previous blog I mentioned the rules of cricket and the Indian Premier League Twenty20 competition; primary sponsor DLF – some sort of building company in India, I think.

In cricket when you hit the ball out of the ground on the full you get an automatic six runs. The commentators usually drool at this: “Oh, that’s a lovely shot, and that’s gone for six” or “And that’s six! Over the member’s stand and into the car park” or “A beautiful stroke there and it’s gone 10 rows back for six”.

Except now they all say: “And that’s a DLF maximum!”

Pardon? WTF is a DLF maximum? Well, of course I know, but why are you rebranding the sport with this sort of insidious crap? Where will it all end?

Which got me thinking: where else might you find such future sponsorship?

“…and the ball’s been passed to Ritchie McCaw and he’s over! Oh, that’s a lovely Big Mac five pointer by the All Blacks captain…”

“…that’s a swing and a hit and he’s made it to KFC country chicken first base…”

“…Beckham shoots, it’s a beautiful shot and yes! It’s a Vodafone magic point!”