Blog without purpose

Of course the purpose here is to entertain, and hopefully I will not disappoint. But you’ll notice there’s usually a topic or focal point to my rants. Alas, not this time.

I aim to blog at least once a week, and since time is up (so to speak) this week, I felt I had to make some contribution. But nothing has pissed me off this week. I have nothing to complain about. It’s been a good week.

Wait! Don’t hit the back button on the browser just yet, because two topics did spark my interest. One was Samantha Kerby’s trials and tribulations when trying to learn about Spiritual Monism in her philosophy class; and the other was Jupiter.

In an effort to help my friend Sam, I tried to learn something about Spiritual Monism – having previously believed it was simply a description of when you pray for money.

You know the joke about the Zen master who pulls into the Subway store and says: “Make me one with everything”? That’s essentially Spiritual Monism; the belief that everything, thoughts and energy and physical reality are all part of one giant, universal fart that is even now expanding into hallways of some giant unknown where it will be inhaled by truly unsuspecting beings and possibly kill them.

That’s my new theology, incidentally, that the universe is a really bad, wet God fart that He is trying to blame on someone else. “And God saith unto the peoples of The World: `He who smelt it, dealt it’. And it was So.”

Have you noticed how the Bible puts capital letters EVERYWHERE? It’s like they’re saying: “It’s all important. But we're not sure What is Important, so we'll just Capitalise Everything that seems like Somebody might find it Important 2000 years from now.”

Except Numbers. I never could get my head around Numbers. All that begetting. It probably represents the most sex there is in the Bible and yet there was no vivid descriptions of seduction or anything. That really would have improved sales, God. You needed a better Editor.

Oh yeah, Song of Solomon is meant to be all about seduction; but it’s all romantic shit – the fig trees of wherever and hold you like a tree and your body is as a Big Mac unto the senses of Jerusalem etc etc. It never even specifies whether it’s talking about a woman or a man. It could be the greatest gay seduction scene ever written. A thought which has no doubt caused several Bible Belt readers to go into cardiac arrest.

Woah, biblical outburst. Where did that all come from? Rambling again. And I never even had a point to make about Spiritual Monism. Except that it’s not what happens when you pray for money. That's called a Lotto ticket.

Jupiter. Let’s give it a hand. As a planet all I’ve known is that it’s big. Like BIG. We’re talking like pro-wrestler ego size here. Like if King Kong had his own aircraft carrier built to scale and it contracted a bad case of giganticism big.

But Jupiter, it turns out, is also our friend. Isn’t that nice? A big tough friend in the neighbourhood who's just floating around, looking out for us. You see, Jupiter's high gravity pulls in comets and meteors and random big floaty-in-space things and hurls them off out of the solar system. It is an effective guard against inter-stellar bullies.

In fact, scientists looking for life on other planets are now initally looking for a "Jupiter" which will provide it with the necessary protection.

Without Jupiter, the movies Deep Impact and Armageddon? Well, let’s just say “is it that time of the week already?”

And here endeth the lesson. Hope you’ve been entertained and educated. Though I’m pretty sure nearly everyone knows about the Jupiter thing already. All I want to know is why didn’t you bastards tell me?