Twilit

Women of all ages are still melting in lust at the sight of Robert Pattinson in the film Twilight – a film I watched for the first time at the weekend.

I have not read the books, which I accept are probably a whole lot better than the film. And I cannot criticise the film, because it was a good, solid effort. And I also liked it the other seven or eight times I’d seen bits of it in earlier films.

First, let’s take a look at Mr Pattinson. Why are women of all ages attracted to this guy? What could it be about the perfect mix of angst and danger and haircut that’s so original it hasn’t been seen since the 1950s when it was first pioneered by James Dean?

The theme music; wow, how did I know it was going to be a supernatural flick when the theme was a bastardisation of The Smiths’ How Soon is Now, which had been previously used in 1996 film The Craft and the theme music to TV series Charmed.

Now mix in a bit of Bev Hills 90210 high school drama and you’re well on the way to a hit movie about vampires at high school; a theme never before touched. Joss Whedon – the dude who created Buffy – should sue.

A young woman falling in love with a vampire? “Hello? This is Mr Whedon calling for Khan Wee Suyem & Howe…”

OK, Bella was no Buffy. Buffy could more than handle herself one-on-one with a vampire. But take away her powers and we’re back to Twilight.

There’s that touching scene where Bella and Angel, er Edward, are together and Edward says: “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb”. How romantic. It’s a misquote of a misquote from the Bible (Isaiah 11:6) where it is popularly reported as: “…and the lion shall lay down with the lamb.” In honesty that particular passage says the wolf and the lamb should be together (which really messes with the Twilight story when you think about it), and the lion is destined to lie with the calf. Not so romantic if Edward says: “And so the lion fell in love with the cow”.

All that aside, a lion lying down with a lamb? In the biblical sense? That’s definitely in the “Thou shalt not!” category, people. And I think any pervert lion that tried it would do that lamb some serious physical damage in some very sensitive areas. That’s all I’m saying. Take that back to the Twilight scenario anyway you please.

Enter evil vampire James: The exact same close-up shot we’d seen of Brad Pitt in Interview With The Vampire. That was the film where Brad’s poor, brooding vampire Louis spent many miserable years eating animals instead of people on principle. My gosh, that sounds familiar.

Then there was the subtle wolves versus vampires antagonism going on which I’d been completely unaware of – at least until first seeing Underworld with Kate Beckinsale in 2003.

Anyway, enough picking the film apart. It has, after all, melted the hearts of women of all ages all over the world. Women who now plan to leave the dark, dangerous, brooding introvert they have been living with to go fall in love with a vampire.