A very sensitive subject

A couple of days ago I saw a programme about an issue that I really think it needs nipping in the bud. So to speak.

There was a documentary on TV about the increasing number of women having cosmetic surgery on their vaginas. Writer/presenter Lisa Rogers was curious about this trend and asked the simple question: WTF!

I’d read a preview of the show where Rogers quoted her father on the subject: “The thing is, Liz, if you’ve got a house you want to do up for a prospective buyer, you don’t start by decorating the cellar.”

There was one 21-year-old woman who had a chunk cut off her labia because her sister started spreading rumours her vagina was, well, excessive. This led to the woman being teased by blokes about labial inadequacy.

To paraphrase Jesus: Let he who hath more than two inches cast the first stone.

Anyway, the procedure was shown in full on the documentary and Lisa made the pre-cut comment: “Looks pretty normal to me”.

I agreed.

What I also found curious was that, in watching this programme, there was a lot of huhu on screen and I was watching with a kind of clinical detachment. There was no sense of getting jollies or anything like that.

So Liz talked to some male mates, who said pretty much that it’s not something men even think about. In fact, in the whole programme, it was only one arsehole toothless painter who said: “I like giving oral sex, so it’s important to me what it looks like”.

I guess you can afford to be that picky if you’re having to pay for every sexual encounter.

Anyway, I just wanted to reassure any women reading this, on behalf of sane hetero men everywhere – we really don’t care. If it’s clean and accessible, we are more than happy.

I have never, ever been in a group of men where the conversation has turned to labial proportions. There has been a lot of sexist and off-colour conversation, but never has this particular issue been at issue.

Generally, I think men just consider it an honour to be gazing upon one. It’s almost at a genetic level that a voice says: “Let’s not go looking a gift horse in the huhu.”

Simply: You don’t go to Disneyland and say: “I’m going home, I don’t like the colour of the gate.”