Good Karma? Sorry, No Buyers

Conclusion: Karma has substance, but no matter how genuine you are, happy thoughts just don’t cut it.

As a laugh last week I put two years worth of good karma up on New Zealand’s internet auction site Trade Me.

I wrote a blurb that went something like this:

Over the last two years I have been collecting good karma through various good and selfless deeds. Things like paying for lunch when I'm with friends (sometimes even with my own credit card), providing professional services free of charge, helping old ladies to cross the road (whether they want to or not), driving smelly old alcoholics home from the bottle store so they don't inadvertently get clean by walking in the rain. Generally lighting up the lives of the people around me each day with my sparkling personality. That sort of thing.

I let other people win at Lotto almost every week, I hardly ever run over old people in mobility scooters (despite the obvious temptation), at the track I always try to encourage the slower horses by putting money on them, I donate a lot of money to charity (a casino's a charity, right?), and when I'm robbing somebody at gunpoint the pistol is almost never loaded. That's got to count, right?

Anyway, all this good karma is stored up and I really have no use for it right now. I've got plenty on hand from the rest of my life and the last two years' worth really isn't going to make much difference. So I'm willing to transfer it to you for the very reasonable price of whatever it fetches at auction.

Sorry, instant karma not available as part of this deal.

I will, however, send you a non-binding official letter of authenticity describing the transaction for the benefit of the Universe. I will write it myself and possibly even frame it for you.

Now this was aimed at giving a few people a bit of a giggle; myself included. I especially enjoyed answering the questions:

Q: What are your delivery options? ;) markmie (37 ) 9:35 am, Wed 11 Nov
A: Universal courier, of course :-) 9:37 am, Wed 11 Nov

Q: I understand that instant karma isn't available, but is it gonna get me? bookiemonster (8390 ) 10:04 am, Wed 11 Nov
A: Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't say for sure. Mr J Lennon is best to ask on that subject (I suggest a ouija board). I used to have sachets of Instant Karma (just add water), but unfortunately they sold out. The packaging was really cool, the sachets would just sit there and just shine on... like the moon, and the stars and the sun. 10:14 am, Wed 11 Nov

Q: Like a crazy diamond? bookiemonster (8390 ) 10:24 am, Wed 11 Nov
A: They would shine like they were riding a steel breeze. They'd shine like a raver, like a seer of visions, a painter, a piper a prisoner. They'd shine! And then there'd be a big long David Gilmour cosmic guitar solo. That's the sort of aura they had. But unfortunately, the Instant Karma sachets are no longer available. Just two years' worth of my good karma. 10:38 am, Wed 11 Nov

Q: Do you have a buy now price hugshot (305 ) 9:58 pm, Sun 15 Nov
A: It's difficult to put a price on good karma. Which is why I've put it up for auction. I figure, if you're selling the godly benefits of two years of (mostly, kinda) good deeds, then the subjective value to the purchaser would differ. That is, a nun would probably have no use for it at all, whereas a politician would probably pay a fortune in taxpayers' money to get hold of two years' good karma, to make up for the bad karma generated by simply being a politician. 9:43 am, Mon 16 Nov

The auction closed this morning. It had nearly 250 views (which was enough for Trade Me to put advertising on the page) was put on five people’s watch lists, but alas attracted no bids. I guess politicians don’t feel comfortable buying used karma off Trade Me.

So, a couple of days after starting the auction I got a great idea. I’d put up some happy thoughts, kind of to keep the karma auction company.

I made up some bullshit about how the happy thoughts were good and positive, but despite JM Barrie’s promises, they weren’t strong enough to get you airborne. I figured that if anyone was willing to pay the asking price ($1) I’d write down five thoughts that make me happy and email them.

I didn’t really push the auction and after two days it received only about 20 hits. Consequently I received the following email from Trade Me:

Dear Lindsay,
One or more of your listings have been removed because it doesn't appear that there was an actual item for sale.
Auctions should be for a genuine item that you're legally entitled to sell. The reserve price should be appropriate for the item's value and condition.
The listing/s we are referring to are: Happy Thoughts (#253533306)

Although it was open for me to contest this decision, I was concerned that taking issue with their decision might lead them to look at my Good Karma auction and remove that as well. But it just seemed strange to me that they removed something which was honestly going to be an item (even if only intellectual property) and left up the item that was complete rubbish.

I think perhaps that if the karma auction had come down I could have argued religious persecution. Because then Trade Me would be forced into the position of stating that karma does not exist. And I’d have about four seasons of My Name Is Earl to prove them wrong.

But happy thoughts? Well, I’m thinking that, ironically, the Trade Me administrator who took the auction down could probably have done with a few happy thoughts of his/her own.