Old Zealand

I live in New Zealand – for foreign readers that’s the two biggish islands just off the coast of Sydney.

Actually it’s about 1600km south-east off the coast of Sydney. And there are three main islands. The country uses its relative isolation to economic advantage in terms of keeping nasty plant diseases out; but it also affects the culture.

New Zealanders tend to be friendly and liberal. Except for those of us who are unfriendly and conservative; but we keep these people caged in an unlit basement beneath a trapdoor which is covered by a nailed-down carpet.

(Slight pause in blog writing as I notice there’s pickle on my fingernail. How did that get there?)

Anyway, New Zealand was colonised mostly after 1840, which makes it a relatively young country. Unfortunately, this also meant that when it came to nomenclature, they discovered all the good names were taken.

Hence the northern island is called North Island and the southern island is called South Island. We have a big ridge of mountains down the South Island called the Southern Alps. Various mountains of significance were named after 19th century British politicians by 19th century ship captains as they sailed past.

New Zealand itself is a pretty bland name. But we don’t mind and we don’t complain because it’s always been that way. And we don’t like change (despite this being a sentiment likely to get us locked in a cage in an unlit basement).

Anyway, the National Geographic Board has just noticed (after 170 years) that nobody officially named the north island North Island or the south island South Island.

So, now people are thinking – hmmmm… should we name them something different? Or do we reinforce our reputation for bland names by keeping these crap names?

The obvious thing is to give them Maori names. But nobody wants to do that, because the Maori names are long and difficult to remember. And honestly if it came to calling the islands Big Fish and Greenstoneland I think I’d prefer we stick with North and South islands.

What should we call them, then? Well, for any members of the Geographic Board who might be reading, here are my suggestions:

* Neil Finn and Tim Finn
* Eddie and Tenzing
* Chucken and Chups
* Rugby and Cricket
* Wine and Cheese
* Marmite and L&P